It’s a funny thing to be a parent. You do everything you can to protect your child. Show them all the love you have for them and protect them from harm.
But what do you do when that harm is you?
How do you protect that which you most love in this world and would do anything for…… from yourself? Your bad choices and ignorance?
I dont mean physical harm here. I’m referring to circumstances that you cant change and the pain they cause.
That’s how we get here to my broken heart and how it’s come to be this way. For 8 years now I’ve considered myself a good dad. I have the love of a good woman and the love of a sweetheart of a daughter that, frankly, I’m not to sure I deserve right about now.
Due to my poor choices I’ve caused my child pain that I can neither fix or avoid. It was my actions and ignorance that has put us in a place where none of us want to be but have no choice.
Never did I even consider the impact my actions would have on my child. Choices I made before she was even born and as I type, here with her still fresh tears on my shoulder I ask myself how…how do I find the light in this and make it less challenging for her.
How do I keep a straight face and tell her it’ll be ok and the sadness will fade when I’m feeling just as empty, restless and impotent myself?
Unfortunately it’s to late to take responsibility. I do accept it…. all that’s happening is my fault alone. I should have done more.
Thanks to me, the person I love the most will have to leave behind her childhood home, the only place she has called home, the place that holds most if not all her memories. Her Bo door that we painted to look like the little girls door on Monsters Inc. and the yard where I taught her to play many sports. Soccer, tennis, basketball etc.
I knew this day would come but I always figured it would be under my terms… when I was ready. Not so!
I’ll always remember the exact day my heart broke Sept. 15, 2015 and the words that made it happen.
As a father sometimes you think it might be “I hate you” or “I love mom more than you”, “my boyfriend is more important” (this last one might be the finishing shot, still to be seen) etc.
But….NO….
It was neither of those and as simple and insignificant as it may seem, it’s a phrase that will live in my heart for the rest of my life.
“Can we drive by our house once in a while to see it?” with tears rolling down her sad face.
That’s what did it……
Those words brought into light years of bad decisions and mistakes.
Most would think, shit just snap out of it …….. and you’re probably right. If the circumstances weren’t so closely linked to the mistakes I’ve made it would be easier.
I remember as an 8 or 9 year old having to move. Several times in a year or so. I really don’t remember if it was painful or not. I’m assuming it wasn’t. I guess that’s a question and conversation for the parents to answer.
In moving forward I will take every step possible to be a better father but not just that a leader of a family that needs and depends on my decisions.
I’m not saying I’ll never make another mistake….I’m simply saying I will learn from them and make corrections before they have a chance to cause pain … years after they happened.
If anyone can relate…. please comment and share how you moved forward. I would be really appreciative of your experience.
J Manly
